Diagnosis

12th February, 2008
Got my outpatients appointment today for the follow up of my operation, got there for 0910 as planned. Mom and me sit giggling in the waiting room, and my name is called - that's me! Can't quite get used to my new married name being called out!!

Meet Mrs Carmichael again, she's so nice. She examines me and I ask, "So when can I go back to work then?" I've been really enjoying my time off, have had a busy time lately. How guilty I felt about enjoying my time off in the weeks and months following my diagnosis. There's a whole new world dawning on me as Mrs. Carmichael answers, "I'm really sorry but you won't be going back to work for a while..." My hearts pounding in my ears, I'm sat on an examination couch and I hold onto the edge as she explains that the lump they found was aggressive, invasive breast cancer. The room seems to be disappearing in front of me but I can here her voice and my mumblings as I try to take in what she just said. I can't see my Mom as Mrs Carmichael hugs me and soothes me a little through my tears but I know she's upset and in shock.

"How am I going to have a baby?"
"How am I going to tell my husband?"

She goes on to tell me that she is certain about the results, that they have sent the sample away to an independent hospital to be double checked and it is certain. She continues to hug me and I can't stop apologising. I feel like I've caused such a commotion and a fuss. I don't feel like this is happening to me and it feels like an out of body experience. When I think back a year, I can still visualise the room, my clothes, what I was doing, where people were sitting and it's stuck in my mind. The events of that fateful day keep replaying in my mind but maybe that will fade as time passes. But this week it's been particularly bad.

The breast care nurse, Hilary, comes in. They explain a few things which I can't remember now and then leave us alone. I need to ring my husband, Mom tries to tell me to wait until he comes home but he'll know when I don't ring him there's something wrong.....

"Can you come home straight away please?" I ask him. There's an achingly long silence on the line, and he asks, "Is it bad?"

"Yes, I'll meet you at home."

The nurse returns and we get taken to a room filled up with leaflets about breast cancer and she's reassuring me about the positives and the successful treatment and gives me leaflets to take away. I can't believe it and I can't stop crying. My details are checked and she promises to ring me today to arrange further tests. I need to tell work now before I lose my nerve. I carry on along to work (it's in the same hospital) and find someone in charge. It doesn't sound right, those words - "I've got breast cancer" - coming out of my mouth. I see my work friend and pull her into the office to tell her. It's total shock for everyone, each and every person I see I want to tell.

I've never understood my need to tell everyone I meet. Even months after the event, I still wanted to tell everyone I met and maybe it was a way of trying to come to terms with the demon within me. Maybe that's the reason for this blog but I certainly couldn't keep quiet about it. My husband reckons it's just because I'm such a chatterbox!!!! I can see many heads nodding and smiling now!

Just before I left Mrs Carmichael, I said, "You must have the worst job in the world, having to tell people such awful devastating news...."

"No," she said "I have the best job, I get to see you in a years time when you're back at work, and in a few more years when you come to see me with your babies."
And from that moment on, I had hope and it's never left me.